The last time I shared my story, I talked about some of my childhood experiences, my illness, where I lived, and the things I like. I still like my peace signs for they represent the peace, love and happiness I seek all my days of my life. And with depression this is hard to find sometimes. Doing a lot of self talk and going to groups and stuff helps me a lot.

Since the last time I shared my story, a lot of positive things have happened. I moved from a very small apartment to a bigger apartment down the street. I love it. I have a boyfriend and he has been a great help with me and my depression for he does not judge me, but tries hard to be understanding. Three of my grandchildren who were out of my life for many years are back!

It has taken a lot of hard work to get here, but being patient has been the hardest thing! I still have days where I feel like I am going to fall into the bottom of the pit for no reason. That is part of my illness. When this happens I try real hard to think of all the good things in my life. I’m not saying it is easy, but anything worthwhile isn’t always easy.  It is still very hard for me some days, but what I learned is that I have to force myself to do things sometimes and, most of the time after I do, I feel good that I did.

Number one – never give up! A lot of folks do not understand depression and how hard it is to struggle just to get out of bed even when from the outside things look fine. Even my kids don’t get how being depressed makes you feel even if things around you seem fine. With me, I learned to put a front on so that one knows how I am really feeling. I may seem fine, but feel horrible inside. But I love my friends and family and I need to carry on for them. So fight is what I must do. I may fall, but the main thing is to pick myself up and start all over again and again. And the main thing is to be patient and tell yourself this too will pass over and over and in time it does for a while. Never give up the fight!

Love of our friends and family, have peace in your heart, and to be happy, is all worth fighting for! I was lonely for a long time before my boyfriend came and even with him sometimes I feel alone, but I am not. There was lot of pain when my grandchildren were gone. With the grace of God they are back and they now have to learn all about patience too! And not to give up!  We have to fight for things worth having like family and friends and life in general.

Peace, love, and happiness to all.

Though the mania of my mental affliction destroyed many relationships and inroads to employment, my bouts of sanity led to some positive efforts and results. Like when I evangelized to approximately 100 young teens on the near west side of Grand Rapids – my hometown. Even in Cadillac – my “new town” as of July, 2010 – I felt good enough that summer to “witness” to select others.

The winter to follow was horrible and resulted in my isolation which I took responsibility for when I signed into a group home beginning March 1, 2012. I agreed to stay two months; with warmer weather I projected my depression would lift and that I could go about finding lodging in downtown Cadillac. Being in the structure of a group home and having a friendship with Art who got me out of my country-located shared housing facility would enable me, once again – as it has happened over and over again – to lighten my mood.

Thank God for good, understanding relationships.

I am an outgoing, cheerful, inspired person. I know some people look at me like I don’t have a mental illness, because I am outgoing and doing things and especially because I have inspired others to do things for themselves. There are times that it’s hard for me because the depression will come out and I have to think good things. One of them is to get hold of my support team at CMH or another support team that I have outside of CMH.

What also helps me with my depression is enjoying two dogs and a cat that my roommates have, and also two birds and a fish tank. I have also taken up knitting. I have made a small blanket for one of the dogs and am making another blanket for my roommate and I’m enjoying that. I go for walks and just enjoy the outside when it’s nice out. I enjoy cooking and baking when I get a chance to do the baking.

I’m glad for that and for all the support I have from so many people like my great family, friends, roommates and my CMH support team. I have couldn’t ask for better support and I couldn’t ask for any better way to recovery.

I can see the brightness today, tomorrow, and in the future.

The most important thing that happened in my life was being adopted by my parents. I went from a bad environment to a new, more positive environment which was much better. It was more loving, caring, and I was better treated.

I grew up on a cherry farm. I grew up with one half sister who now lives in a different state and one adoptive brother who currently lives with my mom. My mom has always been my support person in my life. She has always stuck up for me from the get go. My dad was always a cherry farmer and a very stable person in my life. Every other weekend, my mom takes me for fun events. Some of the fun events we do are shopping, eating out, and taking road trips. At my AFC home we have wonderful, loving staff. We do several things, like playing card games. My favorite is Skip-Bo. We also play bingo and go on outings in the community. Sometimes I even go on outings by myself.

One of the things that is meaningful to me is my dog, Brandy, who is very playful, lovable, and enjoyable. In March of 2012, I started selling Avon. This has been a dream come true to me. Another one of my hopes and dreams is living on my own someday. I hope to live at Community Living Center (CLC) where many of my friends are living. CLC is a semi-independent place which trains you to get your own apartment.

Love is the eternal blessing of a fire that is everlasting.

The Inner Storm
Winds of change swirling at neck break speed
Levees containing my only hope bursting at their seam
Waters of well intentioned help drowning me
The wells containing energy becoming sucked dry
I need help and I need it now, and for help I cry
Tornadoes flaring up churning fear
It sure seems the end is near

This poem I wrote describes much of my inner turmoil when I first had my nervous breakdown. I knew there was help available, yet with my stubbornness there was a disconnect between myself and those who wanted to help. I had just graduated from college, looking for work within my field. I did have a job, though it was by no means a job I enjoyed at all and with the stress from college, I just didn’t know what to do. I self-medicated with alcohol and had even experimented with marijuana. My family insisted I see a therapist, which I hesitantly did. After my first hospitalization that summer (1999), I started seeing a psychiatrist and continued with the therapy. The psychiatrist described getting information from me was like extracting a tooth – challenging.

During one of my hospitalizations, I decided to open up a Bible, which was lying around there, and stumbled upon a verse that did give me a spark of hope through this turmoil I was going through:

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

After a year or so of therapy, plenty of psychiatric appointments with all sorts of medications changes, and a couple more hospitalizations, my psychiatrist felt I needed to be in the state hospital. My family got a second opinion for which I am very thankful. I started going to the county health department for more intensive therapy.
After going through the intensive therapy, I began to get back to my “old self.” My sense of humor came back as did my ambition and dreams for the future. During this time, I learned such coping skills as writing – including poetry – regular exercise (like hiking, skiing, canoeing, etc.), keeping a strong faith in God, as well as finding fun and enjoyable hobbies to keep myself busy and surrounding myself with positive people.

Fast forward a few years to the present day. I now am happily married, where together we own our own home, have two wonderful, lovable and spoiled cats, working full time at a job I enjoy and am no longer on disability. I owe it all to a very supportive family, a strong faith in God and, of course, my wonderful friends who stuck with me through thick and thin. I learned to see it as, “Yes, I have an illness, however it does not define me, just as diabetes or cancer or MS do not define those who have those illnesses.” I am now on minimal medication, living a very active lifestyle, and finally realizing that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Stay focused on the big picture; even when the small bits and pieces seem dark and gloomy, the bigger picture puts it all in perspective.

When I am not well, symbolically, an elevator represents my bipolar spectrum. Occasionally the elevator becomes confining. The door seals shut. The air turns hot and stagnant. I feel trapped inside, restless, frantic and censored. My mood swings mimic both the euphoric penthouse suite on the top floor and the bottom basement. At the top the feelings are awesome; I am myself, fluid, unfettered and authentic. However, the opposite side is when I hit bottom and I’m in the basement with despair. To overcome this back and forth momentum, I “hit” many buttons. I also take on too many projects, which can be overwhelming. Thus the elevator gets stuck. I physically have to remind myself to hit the Emergency stop “red” button and/or pick up the phone to “Call for Help!” The door unseals itself and opens. Cool fresh air rushes in. I can breathe again.

Symptoms can be managed through wellness practices, i.e., healthy eating, exercise, and good sleep. Medications help and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has taught me a few coping skills to overcome the extremes of this ailment. I believe repeat exposure to DBT will help continue identifying my personal triggers. “What is discussed in group stays in group.” Just by knowing them I can use the tips and techniques and my chances of success increase with each passing triumph.

When I am well, I can accomplish great things. One example is writing a grant to design and lead Spirit Doll Workshops. The focal point of these workshops is dedicated to the freedom of self-expression. I believe it’s needed to engage an individual’s opinions with an alternate positive view of themselves through art. I feel communications is a huge part of our Recovery Journey. Belief is a vital key to the Recovery concept: 1st by ourselves; 2nd by our families, and 3rd by our community. I’m tweaking the workshop here and there to accommodate various learning styles, scheduling conflicts, and networking with people.

To stay on task with all the different activities, I received a daily planner and a creative “Art Saves” book from a family member. A receipt keeper holds proof of spent funds which I turn into another agency. Hobbies are great way to combat stressors an individual may be dealing with within their lives. A fun environment to be around is when people utilize their own voices or power to express themselves creatively.

Resilience is adapting to our environment in the face of adversity, adjusting to random misfortune with flexibility, no one is truly alone, but together we help each other through life’s quick changes.

Inspire Others: Share Your Recovery Story

Each one of us has a story—stories of hope, fear, humor, struggle, and triumph—Stories of recovery. Put a new “face” on recovery when you share your personal journey towards wellness. Be a part of the 2011 Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) Facing Us Video Contest in a way that’s as unique as you are:

• Deliver a personal monologue.
• Sing it in a song.
• Say it with a poem.
• Act out a play with friends.
• Use illustration or animation.
• Create a comedy act.

Judging will be based on the impact of submissions rather than the quality of filming. So, get out your personal video cameras and have some fun! Between May 21, 2011 and September 5, 2011, you can submit your video online at www.FacingUsContest.org and have a chance to win cash prizes:

1st place = $500
2nd place = $300
3rd place = $200

Put your best face forward this summer! Visit www.FacingUsContest.org or download the flyer for more information!

I dove into life off the starting block, gliding through the water. It washes smoothly across my skin. With a strong flutter kick, I break the surface of the water. My arms reach out and push the water, steadily moving forward, propelling myself into life. The flip turns of each lap give added speed. Pushing off the wall, keeping myself propelled into the future, with each turn I make.

Somewhere, I seem to have taken a breath while my face was still under water and everything that I once knew, the path I once followed, disappeared. I struggle against the water rather than flowing through it. Thrashing rather than gliding, gasping, choking, coughing, no longer rhythmic breathing. I’m no longer in the race, not the race that I was in, when I dove in off the starting block.

Rolling with the waves of new terminology, and a lot to think about. Can I get better, will I get better, do people get better? The present buzzword is recovery, so let us define what it is I’m recovering from. For the purpose of this article, I’m writing about mental health, mental illness, my diagnosis.

With that explained, let’s look at a few questions, am I in Recovery? On the surface, this is really quite a simple question, or at least it should be. I’m not sure whether I really know the answer or not, but if I have to take a stab at it than I will say, “I’m not in recovery.”

When I think about recovery, I think of a broken bone that has mended, and no longer needs a cast or splint to support it. It’s working, supporting muscles and tissue or allowing us to move hold things and lift things, get around, and perform tasks that we could do prior to the break. Recovered. More commonly, most all of us have recovered from a cold, poison ivy or sunburn.

Next question, what stage of recovery are you in?  Stage, recovery? Okay, so I will use the term recovery for now and the 5 stages of recovery as Michigan Peer Support Specialists learn them. I’ve already dealt with the effects of the onset of the illness (Impact). I accept that I have a mental illness and acknowledge it. I want to be better (Change is Possible). I want to be self-sufficient, self-sustaining, and not dependent on others to provide for my basic needs. I’m looking to the future (Commitment to Change). I’m making plans and pursuing the plan and goals made, I took steps towards these goals, and fell flat on my face (Action for Change). A belly flop rather than a cannonball. I want to have the freedom to not report how much money I made, or am earning or may make this month or next month or the next. To swim at my pace and speed daily rather than always being coached, preparing myself for the starting block. I want the ability to be able to deal with stress in life events without stumbling or needing a timeout or a haven of safety (Life is Limited). I want friends, I want relationships with other people who return that friendship, love, empathy, companionship – and a hug once in a while would help as well. I want to be on the team again. In shape for the races that come our way but enjoying the workout as I feel my body responding to the drag of the water. The strength I feel as I enter the water. Exhausted from giving it my all, a teammate reaching down to help me from the depth of the pool, limp from exerting myself, of giving my all. Knowing that the strength will return, my heart will slow down and I will have the strength to enter the next race when it arrives.

Am I in recovery? I’m really not sure if I can ever recover from the situation. I don’t think I can mend the illness or that anyone else can. My mind isn’t broken, although there is definitely something not right with it. Now if we are speaking about recovering from the events that my mental illness has caused my life, I truly hope I’m beginning the path of recovery, or maybe I’ve been on it for a long, long time. I hope I’m on the path, and I really hope that I’m nearing the end of my journey. It has been a terribly long journey, with the path stretching before me, through fields and forests, over rivers and waterways. The destination is on the horizon. Farther than I can see, disappearing on the other side of Lake Michigan, Wisconsin…

The hurt, the loss, the suffering, and oh, yes, humility. Pride is gone, for one must humble themselves to seek the help that may or may not be there. The help that existed on the onset or discovery of the affliction that would walk beside me throughout the rest of my life has disappeared. Long-suffering. I have no choice or no choice acceptable by the common people of this world. So I persevere on this path strewn with barriers.

So no, I am not in recovery, but I am on the path to wellness, working on improving and maintaining my health. Good habits, good nutrition, exercise, fresh air, peace, tranquility, gratitude and communing with nature and all that surrounds me. Faith and Hope, that there is a future where the sun shines and the rain refreshes the earth, and the winds blow, filling my sails, propelling me across the water to a place of contentment. The journey is to be enjoyed on the way towards the destination, but it is difficult, enjoying the barriers, and keeping the destination solidly in front of me.  I invite you to join me in this journey, feel what I feel, see what I see, live with what I live with and without. I invite you to experience it completely. Will you embrace it or will you turn away?
I am searching and working actively on wellness, striving to recover. Not from the illness but from that which I have lost and need to heal from, the pain of the losses. I walk daily with my affliction, either next to me, leading me or as my shadow. Even though my illness is with me always. I am first and foremost a mom, an employee… a neighbor and a member of your community. A very lonely and isolated member, but a member nevertheless. I have a mental illness, but I am not the ILLNESS!

Throughout my life, I dealt with two main narcissistic people: a family member and my ex-husband, who was horribly violent with himself and inflicted his anger to the rest of us daily. From a life of Domestic Violence and hard physical work, I deal with pain daily. I have had 18 surgeries and breast cancer twice; but I think that all my physical pain will never, ever match my mental pain. Throughout all of this time, it has been my strong faith in God which has sustained me to keep on going in life.

It has been harder for me to deal with life the last three years than it was to home school my boys all their lives. If CMH wasn’t there, I know that I easily could have tried suicide a few times and now that scares me; but with the different medications that I was put on to help me deal with this world and literally my own ‘little’ world, I’m very pleased to say my future allows me another chance to live a totally different kind of life – one where I think about me and what my needs are, instead of 25 years of constantly being violated by my ex-husband.

I do have to say just how much I have learned about Domestic Violence, the severe depression that never seems to leave me, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Through my therapists, many different classes at CMH and the Psychiatrist, I can clearly see that I have been able to get a little better and that says lots for me! I have a saying that I use only at the lowest of my points, which is, ‘I am slipping into darkness.’  It’s a time which I know I’ll have to work much harder to keep myself going. One thing many people do not understand about P.T.S.D. is that it isn’t just the Veterans or people who witness a horrible event in their life, but it is also for a person like me who has been plagued by Domestic Violence and all the Narcissism I’ve dealt with most of my life.

I used to think that I would be selfish to allow myself anything in my marriage because of how my ex-husband treated me. How he treated me made me constantly feel guilty. I still deal with guilt, whether it is warranted or not. It’s like a hovering helicopter over my head that keeps me remembering everything. Here are the different types of ‘tools’ that I have had to acquire all of my life to help me pitch out the negative:

1. Imaginary backpack in which I would throw harsh, horrible things knowing I would have to deal with them at another time. The fake backpack was my ‘safety net’ of sorts.
2. My strong will and independent spirit along with strong convictions.
3. My sense of humor. On the outside I just acted like all was well and my humor got me out of many different sad times.
4. Labrador Retrievers. I don’t believe I need to say more, but, throughout the marriage I worked with a breeder and we would have 1-3 dogs constantly at home and I cannot tell you how much those dogs meant to me and were such a comfort constantly. They were beautifully bred and we did have the three different colors. I would say to myself sometimes, ‘Those dogs mean so much more to me than my husband.’
5. My absolute wonderful way to help me cope was with my favorite – LAKE  MICHIGAN! Whenever life was tough I would actually stop what I was doing, close my eyes and take five or so minutes just to think about ‘Sleeping Bear Dunes’ and the public beaches all around the dunes.
6. SUNSETS. The sunsets are FREE and just magnificent to watch the sun slip down so slowly into the lake! There were so many different colors for just a little while and my mind constantly thinks of those beautiful sunsets. I would imagine staring at the delicate line of water meeting the sky while the sun constantly moved with the earth’s rotation. Nobody would bother me and it was worth at least a million dollars to me! I’m instantly happier and then I go back to whatever it is I was doing, knowing that my sad/bad thoughts ten or so minutes earlier were just a distant memory.

I have also learned that I’m not at all ashamed about going to CMH. The barrier of long ago (and even today) with the Psychiatric Hospitals and all of the negative things that happened at them is what many still cannot seem to get out of their minds and they are afraid to even talk about psychiatric things because they have been so misinformed all their lives. That stereotype needs to be changed into what is NOW ‘out there’ for everyone; how CMH is so much a vital center where anybody can go for mental help.

For me, CMH has been a major source to learn new skills to help me get beyond the thoughts that rule my brain and my old ways of thinking so now I can immediately think back to the different skills I’ve learned and get rid of the sad and frightening thoughts. Just three years ago I really wanted to be dead, and when I think of that now, I just shake my head in wonder. I think of right now and see how much I’ve learned and grown. It’s so beyond my imagination. Now is the time to go on, and I truly mean GO ON, with life, knowing what my strengths are. I want to help others try to cope with their own problems because I’ve had enough of my own. Each day brings about different kinds of success; I’m willing to keep on learning and doing because it all does work.

I have a long way to go and I have totally learned what it means to take ‘one day at a time’; I’m so much more aware that my future is very bright, all because CMH has taught me many new ‘tools’ with which to work.