Ironically, I was to end up in a group home in the late winter/early spring of 2012 when previously, I had been a staff person at the age of 23, in a home for the mildly developmentally disabled as a student and reporter in Kalamazoo. It was at this age, while on duty, that I had my first episode of mania – sending residents to their workshop, which was located across from the home, with various canned goods instead of their prepared lunches the cook had made from the clients the previous day.  This event would trigger other manic events which culminated in my first hospitalization and my firing, all brought on by my erratic behaviors on and off the job.

Though the mania of my mental affliction destroyed many relationships and inroads to employment, my bouts of sanity led to some positive efforts and results. Like when I evangelized to approximately 100 young teens on the near west side of Grand Rapids – my hometown. Even in Cadillac – my “new town” as of July, 2010 – I felt good enough that summer to “witness” to select others.

The winter to follow was horrible and resulted in my isolation which I took responsibility for when I signed into a group home beginning March 1, 2012. I agreed to stay two months; with warmer weather I projected my depression would lift and that I could go about finding lodging in downtown Cadillac. Being in the structure of a group home and having a friendship with Art who got me out of my country-located shared housing facility would enable me, once again – as it has happened over and over again – to lighten my mood.

Thank God for good, understanding relationships.

I am 25 years old. I live in Kingsley, Michigan, in an AFC home. When I was born I had two parents that abused me all the time and were always drunk. I was taken away from my parents and put into a foster home in Sault Ste. Marie when I was two years old. When I was about four years old I was adopted by two wonderful parents. I can remember the love that was there and entitlement.

The most important thing that happened in my life was being adopted by my parents. I went from a bad environment to a new, more positive environment which was much better. It was more loving, caring, and I was better treated.

I grew up on a cherry farm. I grew up with one half sister who now lives in a different state and one adoptive brother who currently lives with my mom. My mom has always been my support person in my life. She has always stuck up for me from the get go. My dad was always a cherry farmer and a very stable person in my life. Every other weekend, my mom takes me for fun events. Some of the fun events we do are shopping, eating out, and taking road trips. At my AFC home we have wonderful, loving staff. We do several things, like playing card games. My favorite is Skip-Bo. We also play bingo and go on outings in the community. Sometimes I even go on outings by myself.

One of the things that is meaningful to me is my dog, Brandy, who is very playful, lovable, and enjoyable. In March of 2012, I started selling Avon. This has been a dream come true to me. Another one of my hopes and dreams is living on my own someday. I hope to live at Community Living Center (CLC) where many of my friends are living. CLC is a semi-independent place which trains you to get your own apartment.

Love is the eternal blessing of a fire that is everlasting.

The Inner Storm
Winds of change swirling at neck break speed
Levees containing my only hope bursting at their seam
Waters of well intentioned help drowning me
The wells containing energy becoming sucked dry
I need help and I need it now, and for help I cry
Tornadoes flaring up churning fear
It sure seems the end is near

This poem I wrote describes much of my inner turmoil when I first had my nervous breakdown. I knew there was help available, yet with my stubbornness there was a disconnect between myself and those who wanted to help. I had just graduated from college, looking for work within my field. I did have a job, though it was by no means a job I enjoyed at all and with the stress from college, I just didn’t know what to do. I self-medicated with alcohol and had even experimented with marijuana. My family insisted I see a therapist, which I hesitantly did. After my first hospitalization that summer (1999), I started seeing a psychiatrist and continued with the therapy. The psychiatrist described getting information from me was like extracting a tooth – challenging.

During one of my hospitalizations, I decided to open up a Bible, which was lying around there, and stumbled upon a verse that did give me a spark of hope through this turmoil I was going through:

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

After a year or so of therapy, plenty of psychiatric appointments with all sorts of medications changes, and a couple more hospitalizations, my psychiatrist felt I needed to be in the state hospital. My family got a second opinion for which I am very thankful. I started going to the county health department for more intensive therapy.
After going through the intensive therapy, I began to get back to my “old self.” My sense of humor came back as did my ambition and dreams for the future. During this time, I learned such coping skills as writing – including poetry – regular exercise (like hiking, skiing, canoeing, etc.), keeping a strong faith in God, as well as finding fun and enjoyable hobbies to keep myself busy and surrounding myself with positive people.

Fast forward a few years to the present day. I now am happily married, where together we own our own home, have two wonderful, lovable and spoiled cats, working full time at a job I enjoy and am no longer on disability. I owe it all to a very supportive family, a strong faith in God and, of course, my wonderful friends who stuck with me through thick and thin. I learned to see it as, “Yes, I have an illness, however it does not define me, just as diabetes or cancer or MS do not define those who have those illnesses.” I am now on minimal medication, living a very active lifestyle, and finally realizing that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Stay focused on the big picture; even when the small bits and pieces seem dark and gloomy, the bigger picture puts it all in perspective.